The Zombie Health Care Bill
AARP (American Association of Rotting People), the leading zombie lobbying group, has issued their annual report on the federal government's slow, staggering progress towards universal health care for the undead.
"I'm afraid this bill is dead in the Senate again this year," said AARP spokesman Bubba Hotep, " ... which is great! We can only hope it dies in the House as well!"
The bill, dubbed "Leave No Corpse Buried," would provide for low-cost or free disinterment, eyeball re-socketing, head re-attachment, and extremely heavy Brogans for every undead American.
The new law would also close a loophole in current law under which foreigners in our country illegally who die here are automatically considered Americans and eligible for full zombie benefits.
Although most conservatives would like to see this "Dead to Rights" provision enacted to exclude illegal alien zombies from the federal dole, they will continue to staunchly oppose the LNCB legislation on the basis of cost.
"It's scary out there in the economy, folks, and zombie-care is one place where we could make significant cuts. The zombies won't mind a few cuts!" laughed Tennessee Senator Aberdean Zingler, glancing over his shoulder.
In other news, zombie fitness expert, the newly undead Jack LaLanne, said Friday "Slowly shuffling along in the dark with your arms out in front of you is really not a sufficient workout for the average zombie. C'mon, moldering Americans! Cut down on the portion sizes of brains, shuffle along a little faster, carry some hand weights while you walk, like a pair of headstones for example, and please, please quit moaning and groaning about getting a little exercise!"
The "Leave No Corpse Buried" bill would also provide for Death Panels and a repeal of the Death Tax. The grassroots De-Party Movement has frequently pointed out that there are simply not enough living taxpayers to fund benefits for every dead person in America. "We had to fight pea-shooters and dodge jalapenos to get to brains when we were newly dead. Zombies today want it all handed to them on a slab."
posted by Mique @ 12:28 PM
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