RTAH Saturday
BBC.co.uk
Missing Chile troops feared dead
Wendy's claims no involvement.
MSNBC.com
Teacher weds ex-student
Oh, that's nothing compared to what she did when he was a student!
Aiming to make retirement years more golden
Medicare to cover tanning salon visits.
US Airways, America West to merge
Just the businesses ... the planes will still try to avoid one another.
Voice of Fred Flintstone dead at 85
... millenia.
My kids are slow-pokes in the morning
Answer: caffeine!
RTAH Friday
NYTimes.com
Businerss of Senate is slowed as battle on judges intensifies
Sounds like a win / win to me.
New E.P.A. chief says budget is sufficient
Now you know something is fishy.
MSNBC.com
U.S. protests Saddam pics
Photos of ex-dictator in skivvies violates Mark Wahlberg's exclusive agreement.
Stem cells customized
Flame job, side pipes added on TV show "Pimp My Genes."
BBC.co.uk
Sikh sues in U.S. jail turban row
Pre-molded headgear offered to prevent suicides, says Sheriff.
Advisors to tackle unruly pupils
1) After that, opinion is divided on hog-tying vs. injections.
2) Ruly students to be simply tripped.
Watchdog against all-postal vote
Pets would be way over-stressed on election day.
Royal Society lazy, says Lancet
Lancet rude and pushy, says R.S.
UK scientists clone human embryo
"Now what?" they ask.
RTAH Thursday
BBC.co.uk
China stands firm in textiles row
American firm ships entire factory to Beijing.
Canada set for no-confidence vote
... but unsure of date.
Italian Everest climber is dead
Incredible zombie mountaineer nears summit, doesn't need oxygen!
Netscape offers 'hybrid' browser
Uses both electricity and natural gas.
MSNBC.com
Californians get hourly quake forecasts
7:00 Very High
8:00 Real High
9:00 Pretty High
10:00 Quite High
etc.
Test misses many colon cancers in women
But many schools still use S.A.T.
Medical robots start work at London hospital
At the end of each day, they plug in and overcharge.
What Supreme Court wine vote means
It means they couldn't get their favorite Merlot on line.
NYTimes.com
Bush says patience is needed as nations build a democracy
"Florida should get the idea in a couple more elections."
RTAH Wednesday
NYTimes.com
U.S. warns China about currency
"You guys are so 1998!"
First of Bloomberg's ads, in Spanish, stresses city's recovery
Post-op staff in city hospital freaked out by mayor.
NBC.com
Generic gas
Not that the origin can't be indentified, but no one will fess up.
MSNBC.com
Millions learn to live with volcano risk
See previous item.
BBC.co.uk
White House hits out at Newsweek
"Their rash publication of this story without substantiation has caused enormous loss of prestige for the U.S. and tragic loss of at least fifteen lives!" says Bush with a straight face.
Desert campaign to save humanity
Relax! Richard Gere is on the case!
Pakistan halts bear-baiting event
White House declines playing either bear or bait.
Chinese made first use of diamond
Baseball was invented in America, but played on an oval.
RTAH Tuesday
BBC.co.uk
'Respect' key to Blair third term
PM's rendition of Aretha Franklin hit wowed voters.
Bolivians stage huge energy rally
Someone got into the coffee warehouse again.
Yukos trial must wait for verdict
"Verdict first, then the trial!"
Small family farms 'may vanish'
David Copperfield's latest spectacular trick.
Messaging spreads office gossip
... or so we've heard.
MSNBC.com
Home Depot reports jump in profit
Like Scrooge McDuck, animated reports leap into piles of money.
Toyota seen announcing hybrid Camry
Amazing talking car fulfills PR assignment.
Sony unveils PlayStation 3
Game computer released from burka.
NYTimes.com
Uzbeks say troops shot recklessly at civilians
'It would be okay to shoot us, if they just took their time and did it properly!'
Harvard will spend $50 million to make faculty more diverse
Cambridge area cosmetic surgery clinics booked for months.
Senate talks on judicial nominees break down
Banjo-playing judges are the talk of Capitol Hill.
Now there are many: Robots that reproduce
Oh, great, now we're out-sourcing sex!
In one Long-Island county, tobacco-buying age is 19
Older folks must find a college freshman to make their buys.
RTAH Monday
NBC.com
Scientists forecast three to five major hurricanes
Some doubt is cast on forecast by 167% margin of error.
Supreme Court approves interstate wine sales via the Web
Hold your glass under the USB "port."
BBC.co.uk
Observers hail Ethiopia turnout
"Best darn road widening in Africa!"
Two Koreas begin bilateral talks
Well, yeah.
'First Platypus' still intact
Geo. Bush's official egg-laying mammal survives tangle with window fan.
Bird song sheds light on learning
Tuff-Sheds built for canaries haven't graduated high school.
NYTimes.com
Connecticut considers putting a healthier menu in its schools
Current menu has arthritis, congestive heart disease.
RTAH Sunday
MSNBC.com
U.S. ends rebel offensive
Rebels find U.S. offensive.
Yanks slug way to 7th victory
Slimy invertebrate in opponents Gatorade lands a win.
Esquire holds striptease for 'sexiest woman'
... but she wasn't really interested.
Ethiopians flock to cast ballots
Rare African geese get sufferage.
Early humans 'followed coast'
Coasts evolved before we did?
Microsoft offers security service
Additional cash flow to fix problem they already sold you.
NYTimes.com
Some Sunnis hint at peace terms in Iraq, U.S. says
Hints take form of bombs, RPG's.
Old foes soften to new reactors
I told you, if you're gonna stand that close, turn the reactor down!
SAT essay scores are in, but will they be used?
No, now we say 'pre-owned."
Air Force chaplain says she was removed for being critical
Actually, they thought she wasn't critical.
Senators say Bush lags on creating terror panel
Gosh, he's doing such a good job of terrifying us all by himself!
Reuters
Police arrest two suspected human skinners
Ten different ID's from fingerprint set was tip-off.
Newsweek says Koran desecration report is wrong
They say this to the turbaned folks setting fire to their office.
