Who To Root For
Many have asked, "Which team should I root for in the ___ game this weekend?"
This question is not as shallow as it may seem. Enjoyment of sports-based entertainment is actually excellent training for development of consumer preferences and helps hone goal-setting skills for life's more serious ambitions, if any. So, I offer here my handy-dandy guide to who to root for in this perpetual season of televised professional and collegiate sports (in descending priority):
Root FOR ...
● Your favorite team (natch). If not playing ...
● The team from your home town or birthplace or previous place of residence, or a place you've visited, or a place you'd maybe LIKE to visit. If no such team playing ...
● The western-most team. If neither team is noticeably more western ...
● The team with the coolest logo.
● The northern-most team.
● The oldest team, but team-age only counts at their current franchise/school location.
● The team with the longest losing tradition (yay Cubs!).
● The underdog (natch).
In some cases, it may be more important to root AGAINST a certain team, or the list above may be insufficient to identify a team to root for. In that case:
Root AGAINST ...
● Any team with a monotonous, mind-numbing fan-chant such as the tomahawk chop, boomer-sooner, etc.
● Any team with a really obnoxious or totally obscure mascot or nickname like the Redskins or Hoyas. ("Hoya" apparently means "what?")
● Any team which, if you delete black and white from their logo has more than one color left.
● Any team owned by Al Davis.
● Any team from Florida.
● Any team employing Chipper Jones.
● Any team from a school that pretentiously insists on including the "the" before the school name, such as "The Ohio State University," unless the "the" is especially helpful in distinguishing that school from another school with a very similar name, such as "Ohio State University" in the example.
● Any team with an obnoxiously-long history of winning, especially if this is due to big money. By big money, I mean, of course, bigger money than the usual ridiculous amounts. This factor is void if any of this money is coming your way, of course.
You can see that these rules are time-tested and completely free of personal prejudice or simmering resentments, except for the Chipper Jones thing. I hate that guy.
posted by Mique @ 8:45 PM
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