Headlines - Real and Imagined
Real Headline from The Gazette:
Army, Navy Games No Longer Focus OF AFA 's Season
I would think so ... we all enjoy the Army/Navy game, but the Air Force should really try to concentrate on their own program.
Imagined Headline:
Jockey Suspended for Using Human Growth Hormone
Efforts of bulked-up jockey to enter Clydesdales into the races failed because they were too large to fit into the starting gates, tipped off officials.
Real Headline from The Gazette:
Stokley Gets Shot to Show Colts He's OK
Seems harsh.
Headling I'd Like to See
Headlines I'd Like to See
Bullets Recalled Due To High Lead Content
"We're embarrassed that someone might be harmed by our product," says Remington representative.
All Chinese Food Recalled
Armadas of container ships full of little cardboard boxes with wire handles seen steaming westward from California ports, every hour.
Entire U.S. Senate Resigns to Run For President
"Now that the Presidency includes all the rights and responsibilities of the Congress," says Senator Daryl Snerd (D - Idaho), "why not?"
Alarm Over Loss of National Identity Due to Unchecked Immigration
"Next thing you know," says midwestern rancher, "we'll be drinking beer, eating spicy food, listening to mariachi msuic and taking afternoon naps! What could be worse?!"
New Reality Show Bankrupts Networks
Families around nation intall large mirrors where TV's used to be.
"Paparazzi" Magazine Celebrates 100th Issue
Popular magazine showing predatory photographers' homes and social lives reveals they can't run their lives very well, either.
Chicago-Area Bears Picket Football, Baseball Teams
Demand franchises end use of "specist" team names; White Sox executive says, "We told you so!"
Identity Theft Victims Clog Homeless Shelters
"They have no arrest records, no families, no idea who they are or what they should do," says Salvation Army representative, "They just wander around aimlessly trying to 'find themselves.'"
Pope Withdraws Encyclical on Family Life
"None of us here really has any experience with this," says pontiff.
Catch and Release Hunting Endorsed by NRA, Veternarians
"Shooting animals, nursing them back to health, then releasing them in the wild to shoot them again just increases the fun of hunting for everyone," says Field and Stream editor.
U.S. Opens Alaska National Wildlife Reserve to Oil/Gas Drilling, Invades
"We have evidence Alaskans were planning a 9-11-like attack on the lower 48," says Bush.
