RTAH Saturday
BBC.co.uk
French protest at holiday axing
"Mon dieu! Zat is no way to zelebrate ... cutting off zomeone's 'ead! Eet ees ferry French, though."
School 'may end early on Fridays'
It's hardly worth while with no students and all substitutue teachers.
Jackson jury sees nude boy books
A variation on the "I see dead people" thing.
Jackson 'manipulated by vultures'
Hallucinations expand to include giant birds.
US and EU to probe China textiles
Extremely heavy earthen-ware shirts and trousers may cause bruises, sprains.
MSNBC.com
'Desperate' gown goes to Philly prom
Haunted dress empties gymnasium of screaming teens.
Scientists create animals that are part-human
NFL shows interest.
Congress OK's $2.6T budget
But renegs when told "T" means "trillion" not "trial."
U.S. consumption up more than expected
Return of tuberculosis decried.
NYTimes.com
President's big Social Security gamble
In a sudden change of direction, Bush now proposes to allow Soc. Sec. payroll deductions to go into slot machines, PowerBall.
Microsoft earnings meet epxectations despite modest sales
Lesson: keep expectations low.
Massachusetts governor urges death penalty
Generally.
RTAH Thursday
BBC.co.uk
Iraqi MPs approve partial cabinet
Plenty of "parts" available around town.
Iraq war legal advice published
Late, but still.
Blast completes huge Swiss tunnel
1) Miners party down.
2) Modeled after Swiss Cheese.
Iran issues fresh nuclear warning
"Hey, USA, we got yer' a-bomb right here!"
Disembodied heads in the news:
Taiwan opposition head in Beijing
Mexico head fires senior official
MSNBC.com
Sperm damaged by pollution, study finds
Lesson: Don't expose your sperm to the outdoors?
NYTimes.com
Army, in manual, limiting tactics in interrogation
But in automatic, no real limits.
Iraq Leader Says Cabinet Is Ready After Long Delay
Jeez, he's causing trouble there, too?
Pope, reviving weekly audience, stresses Europe's Christian roots
Roots in audience suffer from abrupt awakening.
Jackson's wife says she praised him as part of deal
... and is now finking him out as part of a better deal.
Bush offers plan to bolster refineries and nuclear plants
C'mon, George ... upholstery is the last thing they're worried about!
Tyco ex-chief, in shift, takes the stand
Cross-dressing executive testifies before stunned jury.
Uniform steroid rule is proposed in House
Yeah, if their uniforms are soaked in it, maybe they'll develop an immunity!
RTAH Wednesday
BBC.co.uk
Dorothy's dress fetches £140,000
"Sit, dress! Fetch!"
Ecuador sacks ex-leader's allies
"¿Quieres ayuda con eso?"
Lien pays homage to Chinese hero
People's Party slaps lien on American Embassy in honor of Hero Worker
Thailand on alert for anniversary
"If you see an anniversary, press this button!"
Jawbone hints at earliest Britons
Eerie talking mandible delivers anthropology lecture.
Rare parrot receives special care
Carefully laid on the bun, mustard gently swabbed over it.
Yahoo search tools get personal
Will pat you down at airport.
Nokia offers new range of phones
Range of phones does not include ovens.
Lecture sings praises of nanotech
See item about eerie mandible above.
MSNBC.com
Largest airliner debuts
Wore white gown and dance flats, embroidered gloves.
Microsoft, EU fail to settle differences
Let the invasion commence.
French court rules against copy protection
See above.
Texas has highest number of uninsured in U.S.
But uninsured in Colorado are higher.
A time to think of less fortunate mothers
Some Other's Day.
How to help your child deal with rejection
Ignore them.
NYTimes.com
Consumers wary, but housing remains hot
Lack of air conditioning no deterrent to sales.
Hospital alters conclusions in patient death
... in conclusionectomy.
RTAH Tuesday
MSNBC.com
Ten tips that will help you keep your job
Examples:
10) Don't knee the boss in the groin.
9) Show up occasionally.
8) Stop stealing petty cash.
7) Etc.
Martha Stewart Living posts narrower loss
"Narrow losses go with all kinds of decor!"
Man who used billboards to get liver dies
Imaginative surgical tool a complete failure.
Organ growing in animals raises concerns
Big brass pipes protruding from goat worries farmer.
NYTimes.com
Bush and Saudi Prince discuss high oil prices in ranch meeting
Arrival of salad course leads to discussion of high price of ranch, too.
Morgan library plans a makeover and an image upgrade
New bookcase prompts replacement of old "Calvin" books with Great Books.
BBC.co.uk
Syrian troops leave Lebanese soil
Little mounds of dirt mark former campsites.
Chicago mob 'takes major hit'
Getting out of crime business, The Family records rap album.
Australia to cull outback camels
Will throw away unfiltered, already smoked ones.
US closes book on Iraq WMD hunt
Loyalty to hallucination finally gives way.
Veteran former Labor MP defects
1) He's rude.
2) He's ugly.
3) He's got bad breath.
4) Etc.
Star Wars will become new TV series
Rerun of the Jedi.
Experts put date to UK rock art
Then a little kiss, dinner.
RTAH Monday
NYTimes.com
Nation's inmate population increased 2.3% last year
Obesity problems extend to prisons.
The Matrix Ever-Loaded: Online game for the committed
If the movies drove you insane, this is the game for you!
Back home in Indiana, fighting for clean government and honest living
Definitive evidence that the state is at least twenty-five years behind the times.
BBC.co.uk
Trap-building ants torture prey
Photos from concealed cameras reveal female ants laughing, pointing at nekkid captives.
MSNBC.com
Gene therapy may slow Alzheimer's
Scientist Eugene Schwartz demonstrates new procedure.
Space.com
Mystery of Churchill's WWII monkeys solved
Plays typed were not Shakespeare, but Kit Marlowe.
RTAH Sunday
MSNBC.com
Pope vows to reach out
Now organizing new Vatican softball team.
New details on DeLay trip
De clergy back from de Vatican, now DeLay gonna go.
New pope sells, but less than the old one
Sales down for TicketMaster papl audience bookings, Vatican Holy Water vending machines.
Wall Street finishes on a down note
Sleeping bag manufacturers doing great.
NASA manager insists books aren't cooked
Just a little charred around the edges.
Today Sponge contraceptive approved by FDA
... but decried by Focus on the Family as "gay."
Hospital services outsourced overseas
Trip to Emergency Room to be longer, wetter.
NYTimes.com
Turbulence on campus in 60's hardened views of future pope
Prelate traumatized by tornadoes in youth.
Medicare change will limit access to claim hearing
All patients will be treated as if deaf.
China and Japan leaders pledge to improve relations
They also Windexed.
BBC.co.uk
Pope thanks media for coverage
Shortfalls in vending machine revenues will be offset by product placement contracts from candle makers, cape design houses.
Antarctic glaciers show retreat
Don't let up now! We've got them on the run! Light a match!
Demand for Rumsfeld abuse inquiry
The inquiry goes like this:
"We want to abuse Secretary Rumsfeld, right now! Can we?"
Third Scream suspect is charged
Disturbing the peace, I guess.
Cavers smash world depth record
Ordered by judge to bring up the pieces, glue it back together.
Mars dust devils caught in action
Life on Mars looks like teensy vacuum cleaners?!
