Resolutions - 2008
2008 Resolutions Mike Riley
January 24, 2008
During this next year, I resolve to
- stop making other men feel inadequate,
- stop taunting women with my (unavailable) masculinity,
- stop hiding behind false modesty,
- brighten the lives of friends by letting them take me to lunch,
- help the national economy by supporting merchants and entertainments,
- allowing the sun the pleasure of shining on me more often,
- enriching the lives of the needy by giving my crap to Goodwill,
- saving the planet by recycling when it's convenient,
- taking better care of my body, if you know what I mean,
- lightening Karen's spirits by describing my weird dreams more often,
- improve my education by watching more teevee,
- visit the library more (to ensure there's shelf space for my work),
- showing my gratitude to God by enjoying food & drink more often,
- sharing the Christmas Spirit by keeping my wish list current for my family,
- battling the rising tide of pornography through intensive on-line research,
- selflessly sharing my achievements through vanity web sites,
- avoid disappointment by not trying too hard,
- floss my teeth regularly the two weeks prior to my dental exam,
- exercise regularly,
- increase the frequency of exercise to at least semi-annual,
- conserving water by stopping my showers as soon as it seems the hot water is running out,
- eat lower on the food chain by letting the sun shine directly on my tongue,
- increase my charitable contributions to the three-digit level,
- finish everything I
Predictions for 2008
2008 Predictions Mike Riley
January 24, 2008
The accuracy and precision of my predictions for 2007 was every bit as high as it has ever been, and in that spirit, I hope to improve the welfare of those around me (and my hit-rate) by giving fair warning of the opportunities and dangers I foresee for the year 2008 (sorry if you had problems during January due to my lateness with these predictions):
- President George W. Bush will not be re-elected (this may be because he will declare marshal law prior to the November elections);
- The national economy will vary between improving and deteriorating;
- A new health hazard will be revealed;
- There will be a political scandal;
- In entertainment:
- A star will be arrested on drug or alcohol charges, and their booking picture will be shown on teevee looking like death warmed over,
- A celebrity couple will have a child out of wedlock,
- A celebrity couple will separate and/or divorce,
- An obscure musician will become a sudden phenom,
- A beloved, elderly actor or actress will pass away,
- America will shocked by the trial of a favorite entertainer,
- An artsy teevee show will be canceled in spite of the efforts of its fans to flood the network and advertisers with mail and phone calls,
- HD DVD players will make great bookends,
- You will hear about a great teevee series right after it is canceled,
- A major studio and a top-notch director will release a bad movie,
- The new top-grossing movie of all time will receive no Oscar nominations,
- A new music format will render all your CD's worthless;
- In sports:
- A well-respected athlete will be charged with drug enhancements,
- A top-flight athlete will have a career-ending injury,
- An athlete will sign a contract for a record amount of money,
- An endorsement deal will be withdrawn on morals issues,
- A very young athlete will unexpectedly burst forth in their sport,
- A well-loved older athlete will tearfully retire,
- An athlete will be forced to return a medal or award,
- Athletic records will be broken,
- Attendance records will be set,
- Ticket prices will increase,
- There will be controversy over new uniforms in a team sport,
- A star athlete in an individual sport will embarrass themself,
- There will be a wagering scandal,
- A sports franchise will be sold for a record amount of money,
- A well-loved sports broadcaster will pass away;
- The big problems after the election will not be what the candidates have been talking about for eleven months;
- Doug Bruce will say or do something outrageous;
- Dick Chaney will accuse someone of arrogance;
- There will be very bad weather;
- There will an earthquake,
- A volcano will erupt;
- There will a drought;
- There will be floods;
- Wars will occur and/or continue;
- Large numbers of people will flee their homeland;
- Fishermen will report diminishing catches;
- There will be a landslide, killing many poor people;
- There will be wildfires costing many wealthy people their homes
- Images of their smoke as seen from space will be shown on teevee;
- Firefighters and policemen will die in the line of duty;
- An American city will face severe budget woes;
- A levee will break;
- Many puppies will be lost.
