RTAH Saturday
Real, True, Actual Headlines
... and the comments that make them even more incomprehensible!
BBC.co.uk
Iranians electing new president
If they do a good job, maybe they could pick a good one for us, too?
California struck by second quake
Residents are quaking, too.
EU in disarray over treaty freeze
Treaty Freeze? Those soft-serve ice cream guys?
Orthodox leader demoted to monk
He should talk to Gary Hart.
Oprah heads celebrity power list
She's co-generator of the year.
G8 climate plans 'watered down'
Shouldn't have left them out in the rain, I guess.
Not long left for cassette tapes
Experts recommend throwing old CD's on the side of the road, instead.
China warned of obesity time-bomb
US will invade if they continue to work on their 'weapons of mastication.'
Eurotunnel chairman wins battle
Ironically, he wins when his plans go "down the tubes."
Parade ruling 'breaches' examined
Split in drum-major's pants brings indecent exposure charge.
Jackson prosecutor 'had vendetta'
Oh, for crying out loud! Who cares what kind of motor scooter he owned?
Seismic sensors count elephants
Elephants toy with count by hopping.
MSNBC.com
Bank of America buys stake in China bank
An hour later, buys another.
King Tut's 'comeback tour' begins
Wow, seems like their "afterlife journey" ideas were right all along.
Tom Cruise pops the question
1) Do I really have any talent?
2) How much money will I have to give L. Ron Hubbard before I'm 'clear?'
3) Do these pants make me look short?
Jackson 'wants his stuff' restored
Officials reluctant to ask "exactly what stuff?"
Major loopholes in mad cow safety standards
Oh, good ... now that Major Loopholes is on the case, maybe this will be fixed up!
College grads enter upbeat job market
In offshore sweatshops.
NYTimes.com
Bush's Support on Major Issues Tumbles in Poll
He should have called in Major Loopholes instead!
MasterCard says 40 Million files are put at risk
So, you're saying it was a waste of time to spend that $39.95 on an internet security program after all?
European Union's heated budget negotiations collapse
Probably taken out of the oven too soon.
Gov. Bush seeks another inquiry in Schiavo case
He's pretty sure that his scientists will find that her brain was intact right up to the end.
RTAH Thursday
Real, True, Actual Headlines
... and the comments that make them goofy!
BBC.co.uk
Freed hostage 'in good spiritis'
Being rehabilitated by dipping in Jack Daniels.
Bin Laden 'is not in Afghanistan'
... nor Brooklyn, or Denver, or Sydney Australia ... just tryin' to be helpful!
World paedophile register closer
Yeah, I wouldn't want to touch that book, either.
Iran leader warns of dirty tricks
Novelty stores to be steam cleaned.
Kashmiri separatists return home
Kidnapping of houses proves unworkable.
MSNBC.com
Wilbanks to sell story?
We'd be shocked ... shocked!
McBride says Tyson 'bit my nipple'
1) Recently retired boxer arrested for habitual cannibalism.
2) Somebody feed this guy!
Internet fueling risky sex among gay men
... but practice requires a 'broadband' connection.
Growing numbers of girls using steroids
... in response to trendy new "East German Chic."
NYTimes.com
Magnet for Iraq insurgents is a crucial test of new U.S. strategy
Defense Dept. stakes all on rebels' rumored "iron-rich" diet.
Plan to connect rural India to the Internet
Oh, good; we'll soon be able to e-mail our service reps directly.
Uncle Sam really wants you
... and by golly, he'll soon come and get you!
RTAH Wednesday
Real, True, Actual Headlines
NYTimes.com
Demand for natural gas brings import plans, and objections
Rileys' neighbors object to their large chili orders.
California reins in clinics using marijuana for medical purposes
Get pot out of medical facilities and back onto the street, where it belongs!
Medical officials insisting on wider choices in drug benefits
So when you go broke due to prescription costs, you can go "Chapter 11EEEE."
Bush aides report 'increasing doubts' North Korea will give up nuclear arms program
Sounds to me like plenty of basis to go to war.
Studies rebut earlier report on pledges of virginity
Okay, but was the word "rebut" really necessary?
G.M. Board wants cut in benefits
Employees suggest the Board bring their own lunches ... oh, wait, you mean employee benefits!
A campaign to derail Verizon-MCI deal
Put $8.5 billion in pennies on the track.
NBC.com
After the autopsy:
What was going on in that Schiavo video?
... and what did "Dr." Frist think he saw?
California Trembles
Golden State residents relieved it's not too much caffeine.
MSNBC.com
Scoop: Michael Jackson not done with lawyers yet
Has asked them if they'd like to spend the night.
BBC.co.uk
Somali chief blocks cabinet move
Wants it next to the fireplace, no matter what his wife says.
Shuttle moving back to launch pad.
Thus the name.
Poker firm in bumper share offer
They've tried and tried to remove that poker, but no luck.
Microsoft warns of critical flaws
If you criticize them, you must be flawed.
RTAH Tuesday
Real, True, Actual Headlines
NYTimes.com
Michael Jackson cleared after 14-week child-molesting trial
Pop star turns to Scientology to cope with stress of trial.
Italian vote to ease fertility law fails for lack of voters
If they eased those restrictions on fertility procedures, they'd have more voters.
Senate issues apology over failure on lynching law
Anyone who cares doesn't care.
Justices expand rights to experiment with patented drugs
But just for themselves, of course.
In Syracuse, a kidnapper's plea unravels four unsolved crimes
... also ravels them.
MSNBC.com
Pakistan: No new binLaden leads
Also: Francisco Franco still dead.
'Earth's bigger cousin' detected
Has been slouching around the galaxy since high school, mooching off the relatives.
Exercise may make you a better worker
Well then, by all means, exercise!
Obesity, smoking speed up aging process
How fast you smoke matters?
Viagra may help children with lung disease
But if your child inhales for over four hours, consult your pediatrician.
BBC.co.uk
Koreas celebrate landmark summit
Leaders plant two little flags on the top of famous hill.
RTAH Monday
Real True Actual Headlines
BBC.co.uk
Blair vows firm line in EU battle
"We will take whatever line best supports our British firms," said the Prime Minister.
Paris Airshow opens with Airbus
Officials blows kisses across the flight line.
Guantanamo to stay, says Cheney
Won't sit or roll over, though, says VP.
US behind Bolivia crisis - Chavez
Well, I'm just sure - who'd believe we'd fool around with other countries' internal affairs?
Turnout set to scupper Italy poll
Huh?
Sri Lanka monk protest broken up
Ceylonese urangatans laugh at comedian during sit-in.
Batman receives European premiere
Fictional hero says he has no use for the world leader.
Imported animals disease threat
Cheaper, more lethal than domestic animal diseases.
Brush up on your nanotechnology
Watch "Mary Poppins" again!
Food fears for UK seabirds
Tourists at seaside resorts look at them hungrily.
NBC.com
Judgement for Jackson
After "Not Guilty" verdicts, pop star expects everyone will see him as 'just a regular guy.'
Saddam on tape
GI's and 3M Company come up with yet another cruel and demeaning interrogation technique.
NYTimes.com
A report by U.S., criticizing U.N., urges reforms
Report says 'U.N. suffers from poor management, and a lack of accountability and professional ethics.'
U.N. officials thank White House for "highly humorous reading, considering the source."
Some held at Guantanamo are minors, lawyers say
"Well they won't be by the time they're released!" reponds Rumsfeld.
Upheaval on Los Angeles Times editorial pages
Paper still handy for those with new puppies.
RTAH Sunday Backfill Edition
NYTimes.com
Antiterror head will help choose F.B.I. official
Body not allowed to participate.
U.S. asks others to pressure Iraq to be inclusive
We find it awkward after having killed so many Iraqis?
Finance chiefs cancel debt of 18 nations
... and their own mortgages, coincidentally.
Tyson quits fight and may quit boxing next
Doesn't want to 'embarrass' the sport ... tee-hee.
Virginia Governor takes steps to raise his national profile
State Legislators insist he bring their stairs back.
Intensive Care in the backyard
I knew our health insurance mess would come to this eventually!
U.S. has 'credible' word of Syrian plot to kill Lebanese
From the same sources we got 'credible evidence' of WMD?
U.S. rebuffs Germans anew on bid for Security Council
There's that 'new approach to our traditional allies' that was promised!
Makeup of Jackson Jury seems to favor prosecution
... but mascara not real sure.
Audit finds Security Dept. is lacking disaster backup
If the original disaster goes wrong, we'll be stuck with no disaster at all!
Diller stake in NBC unit being sold
Comedienne can't compete with netwrok for laughability.
C.I.A. is reviewing its security policy for recruiting translators
After shocking revelations of 'The Interpreter.'
North Korea said to offer to rejoin nuclear talks
Frist says 'no way!'
Florida's Harris says she'll run for Senate
"I'm very, very confident I'll get the most votes!"
BBC.co.uk
Jackson jury finishes fifth day
They really needed that drink!
G8 'reach deal for world's poor'
They'll get the use of them on a rotating basis.
Ethiopia head defends crackdown
Again, body stays out of it.
Zimbabwe ignores general strike
'The Colonels can take care of everything!'
Israeli court backs pullout plan
Jews join Catholics in endorsing the rhythm method.
Japan whale vote 'will be close'
'They seem to be having a little trouble handling the ballots with their flippers.'
Phillipines alert ahead of holiday
But after a few beers at the backyard barbecues ...?
Religious hatred bill unveiled
Evil thoughts - $5
Disrespectful words - $10
Burning church down - $20,000
Kashmir separatists shift stance
Some even sit down!
