Sunday, October 09, 2011

AP

Immigrants fearing deportation make plans for kids
"I wouldn't 'plans' exactly, but we have to have something to do while we're waiting!"

Romney rivals may go after him for flip-flops
"He'd make a lousy president, but he has great taste in casual footwear!"

Syria warns countries not to recognize opposition
"Just pretend you don't know them!" advises social director.

American growth theorists top contenders for Nobel
"Off with their heads - that'll stump 'em!"

Sundown: No Florida schools in AP Top 25
Money-saving scheme to eliminate education to begin at dusk wins journalism admiration

Reuters

Merkel, Sarkozy promise new crisis package, offer no details
"We're not quite sure what kind of disaster we can cook up, but it'll be a doozy, we promise you that!"

Yemeni opposition doubts Saleh pledge to quit soon
"Look, I just started with the nicotine gum, okay? Gimme half a chance!"

California allows college aid to illegal immigrants
Universities to offer new "BC" degree: Bachelor of Coyote-ing

U.S.

Unemployed seek protection against job bias
"You come in, you interview, and first thing you know, the bastards want you to WORK!"

World

Quartet tries to restart Israeli-Palestinian talks
Baritone Steph Hartsel suggests "All We Are Saying" as inspirational number

Libya govt says takes landmarks in Gaddafi hometown
Street signs, pavement markings, survey monuments removed as keepsakes

Politics

Romney responds to Mormon flare-up; Perry passes
"I'm using the same salve I've always used in the past," says candidate, "and I've told the Governor repeatedly that I'm a happily married man, and I'm just not interested."

Health

New prostate cancer test advice overturns dogma
Even more amazing than the Virgin Mary appearing on a piece of toast, MRI's all over the world are turning up these words: "Hey, Pope, let priests get married, okay?"

Kids' ER concussion visits up 60 pct over decade
Padding of waiting room furniture and walls ineffective, OSHA officials say

Science

Scientists to develop deep ocean seismic network
Network to ponder questions such as "Why did God put us on this earth if only to suffer then die?" while waiting for quakes

Saturday's Draconid meteors may be no-see-ums
But, unfortunately, may yet be yes-crush-ems

Insight: Nobel winner's last big experiment: Himself
First to win dual awards in "Time Travel" and "Cloning", recipient is beside himself with pride

Monkey mind control -- a breakthrough for paralysis?
Congress submits to implants

Odd

Minn. woman accused of robbing home to buy porn
Ill-informed miscreant apparently unaware that this stuff is available free on the internet

Police: Man impersonating cop pulls over real cop
... who was impersonating drunk driver at the time

Salt Lake City underwear run sets world record
"These are, without a doubt, the worst pantyhose I've ever had," says 50-foot Mormon woman.

Medical pot user turned in by pizza delivery man
"Dude, he was so spaced-out, I had to put him to bed! I ate the pizza myself!"

Tech

Sprint down after testy meeting with analysts
Jogging can ease anxieties created by ganged-up Freudians

Rdio extends free trial period for music plan
Arrests and court dates still available for music-download sting

Disney CEO Iger renewed through March 2015
Animatronic pneumatic and hydraulic lines replaced at cost of $29M

Sports

NFL mourns passing of Raiders owner Al Davis
... with music, snacks, champagne, and smiles all around

Faxon wins rain-shortened Insperity Championship
Named 2011's Grand Insperitor

posted by Mique @ 3:34 PM 0 comments