RTAH
NBCNews.com
Bush bonds with Europe over Iran
Air Force One Super-Glue orgy goes horribly wrong.
Rehnquist to miss next court session
Chief Justice feeling better, but not up to tennis.
Bishops report decades-old abuse claims
... between six-decades-old priests and one-decade-old altar boys.
NYTimes.com
Doubting U.S., China is wary of Korea role
Would prefer California roll and a cup of tea.
Strong quake causes panic in Indonesia's East
(... formerly West.)
White House bond: Teamed by No. 43, 41 and 42 hit it off
Bush Sr. & Clinton manage to escape Super Glue debacle through wild flailing.
Stocks end mixed amid inflation worries
Cows and pigs jostled together when 18-wheeler has flat on I-80.
MSNBCNews.com
Dow Jones Industrials gain after Merck decision
Premature heart attacks may be just the solution to the Social Security mess!
Earth hit by gigantic cosmic blast
... after Rileys' chili supper.
'The Gates' provokes mixed reactions
Redmond's answer to the "The Donald?"
BBC.co.uk
Hubble pics 'like romantic art'
NASA: "We don't really care what it likes, it's coming down!"
Huge 'star-quake' rocks Milky Way
People magazine breathlessly reports drop of JLo candy bar.
Syria replaces intelligence chief
Bush withdraws Negroponte nomination, appoints entire nation instead.
Reuters.com
Guess who's coming to dinner naked?
Oh, no! I'm not falling for that one again!
China Tries To Woo N. Korea Back To Nuclear Talks
U.S. Tries To Rice Them Back
AP
Related headlines:
Lohan's father arrested on DWI charge
Destiny's child embarking on world tour
What is this fascination with the relatives of celebrities?
Bush hopes to mend fences with Europe
... by placing picket ships in Mediterranean.
NPR
Bush enacts law to limit class-action suits
Super heros to dress up nice, but scantily.
washingtonpost.com
Poorest face most risk on Social Security
Admin. proposes reduction of benefits for the ugly.
RTAH
MSNBCNews.com
Putin backs Iran in nuke row
... so they can pull out forward later.
Vioxx may return to market
It breaks my heart.
Microsoft recalls 14.1 million Xbox cords
"Oh, yeah! Didn't we send those out with those game machines?"
Antidepressants raise risk of suicide
Bummer.
FBI investigates Boy Scouts for fraud
Claims many have been trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent, but surly.
BBC.co.uk
Murder prompts Brazil Amazon curb
Killer got gun through the internet.
Sex hungry roaches lured to death
rAIDS.
Oldest fossil 'rabbit' unearthed
Buried Volkswagen discovered.
NYTimes.com
Furor lingers as Harvard chief gives details of talk on women
German Chancellor stays after to ask questions.
Fed chief urges cutback in scale of 2 big leaders
After lunch, tribal leader suggests peers slim down.
Reuters.com
Rather to host his own farewell tribute on CBS
"I'm sorry to see myself go; I was a heck of a guy!"
RTAH
BBC.co.uk
Vatican offers exorcism lessons
Students to wear black lycra body suits, bring their own towels.
China emerges as global consumer
Considering nationwide Atkins program.
No corruption charge for Sharon
Free corruption is a privilege of rank.
Historic Kashmir bus deal hailed
Ancient Pakistani kiss thingy ruined in storm.
Nepal launches corruption panel
"If we're going to have it, it might as well be organized."
Final hunts held as ban looms
No one fooled.
Queen 'does great cockney accent'
Beloved monarch enjoys ridiculing countrymen.
Oscar nominees lack pulling power
Personal trainers to concentrate on upper-body strength.
Sleep helps birds sing better
Likewise cat naps.
PCs do thousands of years of work
Otherwise, that red jack wouldn't have been put on that black queen until 3624.
NYTimes.com
Federal panel consolidates Vioxx suits
Clothing made of surplus pills taken in at the waste.
Johnson starts warming up for Schilling
For a whole Pound, he'd actually pitch.
Political donations pour through gap in New York laws
Barristers pick up bribes in trendy clothing store at the mall.
Builders wary of pursuing site sought by Jets for a stadium
If the site catches them, they'll be piled up like cordwood.
Reuters
Negroponte named as new intelligence chief
Bush cites appointment as another reason why affirmative action isn't necessary.
Spain doctor rebuilds penises cut off for AIDS cure
1) Now available at Goodwill, Disabled Vets thrift shops.
2) Still with one-year factory warranty.
3) Custom units available in gift box.
Springsteen stares down "Devils" on new album
Tune to be played at Vatican University.
AP
Vatican University debuts Satanism classes
Dislikes uneducated amateurs representing the Church.
Restraining order filed in cookie case
1) And smuggled into prison.
2) Dough to be sifted again looking for "parts."
Wrong chemical makes shoes 'flatulent'
Yeah, that's what it was! My shoes!
Marriage proposal stuns Christina Aguilera
"Marry Me?" spelled out with Tazer leads to accident.
Prince Charles to marry at Town Hall
To be broadcast world-wide at 5:00 a.m. EST.
NPR
Bush would consider raising Social Security income cap
And a raise of the cap to you too, pal!
RTAH
BBC.co.uk
KP commander loses last appeal
First, he lost his hair, then his good looks,
and now, his singing voice.
Ukraine revisits state sell-offs
Planning to unload West Virgina.
Feta cheese battle reaches court
Nations will be required to eat in their homerooms.
MSNBCNews.com
Uri Geller supports Michael Jackson
Uri: "I'll bend a spoon for the jury, if you think that would help!"
MJ: :That's okay, Uri, just sit down and I'll let you know."
U.S. may pull painkillers, researchers say
After years of pushing them.
Reuters
Iraq conflict feeds international terror threat
War against terror turns into war on behalf of terror.
Man with tumor robs banks for inheritance
Tumor drives getaway car.
Bush open to talks on raising payroll tax cap
Promises not to listen.
House passes bill to raise indecency fines
Easy money.
AP
Dog helps bust owner on marijuana charge
Fido flushes evidence for Brittany.
Family says funeral home returned organs
Wurlitzers left in driveway.
Ashley Olsen sues tabloid for libel
Paper said outright she looks like Mary Kate.
Reports of Brad Pitt cheating come and go
No comment.
Human fossils dated to 195,000 years
Talk about your committment avoidance!
Rocky Mountain News
Teens to be tried for murder
Likely to be quite good, say experts.
BBC.co.uk
Arroyo vows to 'wipe out' bombers
Planes good to fly again after cleaning.
Shoaib faces disciplinary inquiry
To be punished for difficult-to-pronounce name.
Tories plan migrant health checks
Alternative to checks with kittens on them.
'McLibel' pair win legal aid case
A nice Vuitton glove-leather attache.
Jackson defence to call on stars
Got the idea from Nancy Reagan.
Dispute delays Jericho handover
Israel refuses to pay for damage to walls.
NYTimes.com
U.S. seems sure of the hand of Syria, hinting at penalties
1) As sure as we were of WMD's in Iraq?
2) Bush threatens to turn Damascus into a quagmire.
With Cliff in sight, N.H.L. ends talk
Presence of 'Cheers' barfly disheartens both sides.
U.N. oil-for-food chief faces fresh charges
May result in sexual-harrassment suit.
MSNBCNews.com
Michael Jackson taken to hospital
... for emergency cosmetic surgery.
Fake firms see consumer data
... and dead people.
Cell phone industry bets big on music
Music. Is it here to stay?
Chris Rock says award shows are 'idiotic'
Will help by hosting the Oscars.
Kissing school teaches the art of locking lips
"Can I go over to Susie's to do homework?"
Real True Actual Mike
Posted by Hello
RTAH
MSNBCNews.com
Secret U.S. flights target Iran
Shhh! Don't tell anybody!
Iraq winners surprise U.S.
The first thing in Iraq that hasn't gone as expected!
BBC.co.uk
'Nuisance' families face action
"You keep being a nuisance, I'll take some action on your face!"
NYTimes.com
Abbas declares war with Israel effectively over
Is it:
a) He declares that the war is over,
or
b) He declares war because Israel is over?
U.S. offers aid in California after mudslide
Another foreign-aid boondoggle!
Announcement of Earthshaking Importance
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