Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Wednesday Rant

Free Dumb


I know this is probably a lost cause, but I’d like to ask merchants to reserve the words they use in their advertisements to uses corresponding to the words’ meanings. Radical, I know.

First among these words should be the word “free.”

Free,” as it’s generally defined, means “without cost.” (Also, liberated, formless, and so-on, but I’m talking about marketing here.)

In advertising, though, free means anything but without cost:

Free with purchase. One tire free with the purchase of three. No, that’s not free. That’s 25% off the cost of four tires … maybe.

Free with subscription. No, sorry, that’s “included in the cost of your subscription.”

Interest free for ninety days. No, that would be “interest deferred to a later date, and at a higher rate.”

Buy now and get not one, but two Han-D-Ricers free with your new Potato Mash-O-Matic at only $29.99. No, here the idea is, buy all three items for $29.99.

Free, uncirculated dollar coins. Well, no. It’s dollar coins and shipping for $57.37. Can’t really get those free coins without the shipping, can we?

Free Amish Electric Fireplace. Well, actually, the fireplace, in no way Amish, only comes with a hokey wooden surrounding box, and you pay for the combination. How much do you pay? Who knows? But it’s not free.

Especially irritating is free shipping on orders over $50. Free shipping! Not part of the cost of the items for you or our other customers! UPS just loves moving these things around so much, they do it for nothing, and we pass the nothing along to you!

On the other hand, maybe we are talking about personal freedom here. As Barack Obama says, words matter. If we don’t understand the meaning of the word or the value of the concept of “free” when we buy things, do we really understand that we’re not “free” when we’re forced to do things? Not free to demonstrate except over there in that cordoned off area, not free to move about the country except subject to intrusive personal inspection, not free to speak to one another on the phone except under the scrutiny the “big merchants” up there. Not really free markets. Not really free trade. Not really freedom fighters.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. We’re almost there.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Tuesday Rant

Tuesday Rant

(Let's Get) The Prices Right

 

Even Money

 

From time to time, society as a whole simply decides to change some common procedure or custom, for common advantage.  Examples would be the adoption of daylight savings time (I didn't say these changes were always positive), banning smoking just about everywhere, or the institution of "casual" Fridays. In that spirit, I would like to propose the following change.

 

Can we please, please, please stop advertising things for $19.95 or $14.98, etc.?  We know these items cost $20 and $15; can't we just say so?  Do marketers really think $19.95 looks like less money in an ad than $20?  Do they really think that the 5¢, or 2¢, or even 1¢ will make the critical difference?

 

Can we please quit selling a gallon of gasoline for $3.629, and just go ahead and sell it for $3.63?  Or, what the hell, you know it's going there anyway, just go ahead and sell it for $5 a gallon; it won't make any difference in sales … we can always give up protein.

 

Common Cents

 

Stop making pennies, for crying our loud.  I know "they're popular;" get over it.  They cost more to make than they're worth, and they just clutter up our lives.  Doesn't our government have anything better to do with our taxes than waste it making practically worthless money that only contributes to inflation?

 

I know people feel they're going to get screwed by having prices jacked up to the next unit of money .., the nickel, for example.  Maybe we should go to stamping out a three-cent piece instead.  It would still be possible to make any kind of change … a dime less three three-cent pieces is 1¢, two 3¢ pieces less a nickel is 1¢, etc.  It would cost about the same to make, and would be worth … wait for it … three times as much!  And maybe folks' math skills would improve a little with some exercise.

 

Or, just bite the bullet as it were, and eliminate the whole thing altogether.

 

As an interim solution, maybe the Mint could buy back everyone's stored-up pennies at the cost of production (2¢), and re-issue half of them, destroying the other half of them until they're gone.  It's a win-win spoonful of sugar.

 

Buck Up

 

While we're at it, let's quit printing one dollar bills.  Paper one-dollar bills cost the same to make as twenties, hundreds, etc., and because of their frequent use, last only a fraction of the time.  Dollar coins last indefinitely.  And inflation suggests that the dollar is worth no more than a 1967 quarter.  Would we tolerate twenty-five cent bills cluttering up our wallets?

 

The Mint keeps trying to adopt dollar coins and are seemingly mystified at people's reluctance to use them.  Why?

 

Have you tried to obtain and use any of the dollar coins that have been issued to date?  We have.  We were excited about the Sacky (the Sacajawea dollar coin), and more recently, the presidential series of dollar coins.  But, in each case, when we went to "buy" some at a bank … any bank … the tellers kept none at their stations.  They had to go into the vault or a back room to get some.  In two cases, the bank limited the number we could buy to three coins!  How likely is the general populace to adopt the dollar coin with that kind of leadership?

 

What's that about?  I'll tell you.  Banks and merchants don't want to deal with dollar coins.  Why? Because their cash drawers don't have a slot to put them in.  No, really, that's it.

 

Vending machine manufacturers and operators shudder at the idea, too, because the coins are so similar to quarters in size.  Keep in mind, these are the people who have, over the last decade, replaced virtually all the coin-operated machines in the country with machines which can accept and differentiate nearly identical-looking bills, for the simple reason that that allows them to raise the prices of the vended items more easily.  Don't you think they might see the light if they could latch onto dollar coins as well?  I do!

 

And guess what?  If we eliminate pennies and dollar bills, all of a sudden there will be not only one, but two extra slots in everybody's cash drawers!

 

I know that accomplishing any of this is very unlikely in a country where our Congress has officially reprimanded the Mint for printing "In God We Trust" on the rim of new dollar coins instead of on the face (I guess in fear that God has thus somehow been demoted, in spite of the fact that the incised edge lettering is both more expensive and longer-lasting than traditional, raised, face lettering.)  But I promise that any presidential candidate that vows to accomplish these three goals will get my vote.  All I need is a couple million voters to agree with me.

 

What do you say?