Homeopathic Trauma Center
The Homeopathic Trauma Center
We recently visited a friend who explained to me the basics of the practice of homeopathy. Homeopathy is one of what are called "alternative" health care modalities* (see referenced article).
The basis of homeopathy is the principle of similars. This principle is founded on the often-observed and common-sense occurrence of "the hair of the dog" cure, that is, that a little of whatever it was that made you sick may well cure you. In the case of "the hair of the dog," which is in fact, merely a specific mode of homeopathic therapy, the process works like this:
1) Go out and get roaring drunk;
2) Go home and "sleep it off;"
3) Wake to find your stomach missing, your ears ringing, your eyes permanently dilated, and your head ready to explode;
4) Have a beer or a shot of whiskey;
5) Symptoms almost magically abate or disappear entirely!
What is happening here is clearly a case of homeopathic resonance, in which the body's intrinsic knowledge of how to cure itself is liberated by re-exposure to a small amount of the causative agent. In this particular instance, the idea of "a small amount" is exhibited by having one and only one drink (which is often a reason for the failure of this method in the hands of enthusiastic amateurs.)
Skeptics say that what is happening here is something else entirely, namely that another drink merely makes you drunk again, and lets you become sober while awake. Never having had this experience myself, I can't give first-hand testimony, as stopping at one more drink never seems to work out for me.
With other ailments, homeopaths practice what is called "serial dilution and succussion," a technical-sounding name for a simple process by which the offending causative agent (poison, for example) is repeatedly diluted to higher and higher levels of dilution. After each dilution, the new, diluted solution is "succussed." Succussion is a violent shaking of the dilution including actually impacting a solid surface to "shock" the diluting agent (usually water) into remembering the molecular structure of the causative agent (i.e., the poison.) Even though the solution resulting from successive dilutions may have not even one molecule of the original causative agent (poison) left in the solution, and even though there is no physical difference between succussed water and plain water, homeopathy has demonstrated time and again that the resulting succussed water will ease or often cure the target condition.
The point of homeopathy is that exposing the patient to a smaller version or amount of whatever caused the ailment or condition will ease or even cure his problem!
Having learned the basis of homeopathy, and having discovered the very minimal requirements to be a homeopathic practitioner in many locales, I realized there was a vast market for homeopathic treatment of physical insults that has never been tapped: trauma. So, the following is my outline for a homeopathic trauma center, to be franchised in metropolitan areas throughout the country. I fully expect to become rich from this idea, not to mention doing a great deal of good for my fellow man.
I imagine a normal kind of ER in which ambulances bring in patients who have suffered traumatic injuries. They are guided in on stretchers to small treatment cubicles where a qualified homeopath interviews and treats them as follows:
"What seems to be the problem tonight?"
"I've been shot through my shoulder!"
"Do you know what kind of gun was used?"
"What the hell difference does that make?"
"There's no reason to be hostile! We're here to help you! It's critical for your successful treatment to know the caliber of gun that was used in your injury!"
"I don't know ... a big one! Probably a nine millie!"
"Let's have a look at that wound ... hmm, yes ... I agree that this seems to be a wound caused by a nine millimeter bullet. Just a second."
The therapist turns to his supply cabinet, and withdraws a 22-caliber pistol, turns back and shoots the patient through the shoulder again.
"So, how's that feel?"
"That's great, doc! Wow, who'd have thought?"
"Fine, good, good. Now go to the front desk to arrange payment, and be sure to come back or have your regular homeopath shoot you every day for the next week or so."
"Okay! And, thanks again, doc!"
"That's what we're here for!"
Another scenario:
Ambulance attendant: "She was run over by a city bus. Twice!"
Emergency homeopath: "Okay, is she stable?"
"Yeah, we got her stabilized on the way in!"
"Good. Don't take her to a treatment room; take her back out to the parking lot and take her off the gurney!"
"What?"
"You heard me! Get this woman out there onto the pavement, now, man; a life may be at stake, here!"
The ambulance attendant scurries to do as he's been ordered, and quickly gets the patient situated in the driveway adjacent to the ER. He looks around for the attending Homeopath, and sees him driving toward the patient in a Smart For Two. The attendant looks on in shock as the doctor drives directly over the patient, then backs up, running over her again!
"Oh my God! What the hell do you think you're doing!"
The ER homeopath steps out of his tiny car, and holds out his hand to the patient, who sits up, shakes her head a little, then stumbles to her feet.
"Oh, thank you doctor! I needed that!"
"It's the least I could do, my dear. Now don't forget to have someone drive over you tomorrow on a motorcycle, and you'll be right as rain!"
The ambulance attendant swoons, but is recovered by the ER homeopath by way of showing him the whole procedure on a little tiny video on his cell phone.
I can almost imagine a great TV series!
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* modality = crap
posted by Mique @ 6:37 PM
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